Bein' Dead Ain't No Excuse Read online

  “I’ll meet y’all out at the farm after I change,” I said in a rush and spun on my heels before Mama could stop me. Confidence renewed, I dashed to my car and fired up the engine and sped toward Pinecone Lane.

  Tango met me at the kitchen door and immediately let out an angry yowl as he circled his empty feed bowl. Once I filled it, he shut up, and I shot down the hall for my bedroom. Time was limited, so I shed my dress and hose and slipped into jeans and a comfortable flannel shirt. Barefooted, I resumed the lotus position on the carpeted floor and cleared my mind of all traffic as Madame Mia had taught me.

  Hey, wait a minute. Of course, Madame Mia! Hell’s bells, why hadn’t I thought of her sooner? The beautiful psychic medium would know how to send Lilith back to Hell, and thus stop Mama’s premature departure to the afterlife. Encouraged, I sprang to my feet and dashed over to the phone on the nightstand and dialed her number.

  The line rang three times, and then her deep, husky voice came over the line. “Good afternoon, Jolene. The heavens are abuzz, don’t you think?”

  I’d learned long ago to go with the flow when it came to the beautiful psychic. Madame Mia lived on another planet and made recurrent trips to Earth with her accumulated frequent flier miles. Besides, one didn’t question Madame Mia’s sanity or methods. Not if you wanted her help. And I did.

  “I’m so glad you’re home, Madame.” I twisted the phone cord around my pinkie. “I need your help.”

  “Yes, I know, my dear,” her sensual voice echoed back. “I’ve been expecting your call and adjusted my schedule to accommodate you around three this afternoon.”

  I agreed with the time and disconnected the call. My watch read twelve-thirty. Mama would be expecting me at the farm shortly. With not much time to spare, I sent out a silent universal SOS heavenward, hoping Scarlett might be bored enough to answer my summons.

  She was and popped in with a psychedelic flash. Not expecting her, I stumbled back and let out a screech of indignation as my butt hit the floor.

  “Damn it, Scarlett, can’t you shelve the light show?” I frowned at her outstretched fingers.

  She arched a perfect brow. “Jolene, my dear girl, would you prefer my absence?” Her eyes glowed with wicked glee.

  I scrambled to my feet. “Ah, no, I wouldn’t. Please accept my apology. I’m super-duper glad you dropped in. I have a job for you.”

  “Apology accepted.” A glint of suspicion seeped into her eyes. “I hope it has nothing to do with your mother because…well, I’ve been warned by my superiors to avoid the conflict.”

  The absence of her usual Southern dialect had me doing a double-take. My gaze roamed over her priggish attire and settled on the black-rimmed glasses perched low on her pert nose. All she needed to complete the intellectual guise was a steno pad and pen.

  “What’s with the getup?” I pointed to the knee length skirt and pumps. “You look like Mrs. Doubtfire with your blouse buttoned up to your chin. I liked the biker mien better.”

  “I did too, but someone lodged a complaint.” Her full lips pouted. “The Boss wasn’t open to discussion and suggested a wardrobe change. I remembered old lady Clark from fifth grade English, and,” she waved a hand, “presto. The new me.”

  “It’s kind of creepy on you,” I pointed out. “Not at all like the real Scarlett Cantrell I know and love.”

  “Cut the crap, Claiborne, and tell me about the job.”

  “It’ll take some time to explain, and I’m running late, and you know how Mama can be when one is late for Sunday dinner.” I slipped on my boots and grabbed my shoulder bag. “I get to do the dishes, and that’s not a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. Can you ride out to the farm with me? There’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

  Scarlett nudged her glasses higher and resumed her haughty demeanor. “I believe that can be arranged. But mind you, I don’t have all day, and this better be good.”

  I pictured Lilith and Scarlett together in the same room and couldn’t help but smile. “Oh, it’s good all right. Take my word. This is one meeting you’ll never forget.”

  Chapter Seven

  Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

  Fireworks began the instant I crossed the threshold into Mama’s kitchen. Like a cat stalking a baby bird, Lilith picked up on my invisible companion and froze, her amethyst gaze zeroed in on the speck of light riding on my shoulder. Electricity zapped me as Scarlett’s nails bit into my flesh.

  “You could’ve mentioned the Devil’s mistress was coming to dinner.” I heard her hotly whispered words through a filter of dense spiritual smoke. “If I come out of this alive, I’m going to kill you myself. The Queen of Hell is trouble, and now she knows I’m here. This isn’t good, Claiborne.” She continued to breathe down my neck with her words, “No, this isn’t good at all. Shit, I’m toast!” I winced as her nails scraped my shoulder blade.

  Looking back, I should’ve realized my mistake. One never brings a lighted match to a bonfire unless you intend to light the fire. Well, in my blonde stupidity, that’s exactly what I’d done—brought an inexperienced spirit into direct contact with an ancient demon with a massive chip on her scaly shoulder.

  The heat intensified as we three stood locked in silent battle. Lilith’s gaze turned a fiery crimson red, and I could think of no way to end the standoff. In the background, I could hear Mama and Daddy chatting away, and I could even smell the fried chicken sizzling on the stove over the stench of Lilith’s sulfurous breath. Deena buzzed by me, but I couldn’t grasp the meaning of her irritated demand for me to move my big behind out of the way so she could use the powder room. From the fog anchoring me to the floor, I even heard the front doorbell ring.

  As if on cue, the skillet of boiling grease ignited into flames.

  Mama screeched and dropped the tongs into the skillet. A tongue of flame flared and caught her cotton sleeve on fire. I couldn’t breathe or move. Through the chaos of scrambling bodies, I watched in frozen horror as Daddy shoved Mama out of the way and slapped a lid over the flaming skillet. Thinking fast, Ryder splashed a pitcher of water over Mama’s torso, effectively dousing the fire.

  Looking stricken with shock, she stood dripping water onto the kitchen floor.

  I snapped out of my paralysis and felt the psychic energy in the room collapse. Without looking around, I knew Scarlett had blown the joint for safer spaces. So much for Heaven’s help. I was on my own with the beast of all beasts.

  Seeing Mama standing numbly in the center of the kitchen, I zipped to her side. “Dear God, you could’ve been seriously burned,” I exclaimed through tears of relief, my hands examining the red skin beneath the scorched sleeve. Daddy, Billie Jo, Deena, and Ryder huddled around us.

  Daddy scrutinized the patch of blistered skin on Mama’s arm. “You’re going to the emergency room and have that burn tended to.”

  “But my dinner,” Mama protested. “We have a guest. I can’t run off because of a simple burn.”

  Behind Daddy, Billie Jo spoke up. “Lilith will understand, Mama. We can invite her out another time. Besides, dinner is ruined.”

  “Who was at the door?”

  I lifted my gaze to Deena. “What door?”

  The front doorbell buzzed again. “That door,” she replied.

  Roddy detached himself from Billie Jo’s side. “I’ll get it,” he said and disappeared around the corner.

  “Excuse me, but Billie Jo is right in saying that I should leave,” Lilith said in a soothing, almost hypnotic voice from the table. “This is a private family affair,” she said with a disarming smile. “I can take a rain-check and return at a better time when Annie Mae has recovered from her unfortunate accident.” Here her lips stopped moving, but I could hear her voice loud and clear as her gaze bore into mine. “Just a little reminder of who you’re fucking with, Jolene. You made your choice, now live with it. Stay out of my way, or you’ll be sorry. And don’t bother me again with puny spirits from the Golden City. They can’t stop me. No one can.”
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  Holy crap. My plan had backfired. If I’d spooked easily, I’d have turned tail and beat it in a hot second. However, my feet remained frozen to the floor, and I knew I had to hang in there a little longer. I felt stymied but not completely defeated. Madame Mia waited in the wings. Hopefully, she could steer me in the right direction when I met with her at three.

  I clenched my fists at my sides. For my family’s sake, I forced myself to return her smile, and said in an equally saccharine voice, “Thank you for being so considerate, Lilith. We’ll give you a call and reschedule when the time is right.”

  Without a backward glance, she sailed out of the kitchen door. Immediately, the atmosphere cleared, and Scarlett dropped through the ceiling to settle cozily on the overcrowded shelf near Daddy’s corner chair.

  “Sorry about that,” she said with a twisted smile. “But the Devil’s Mistress is way above my pay grade. However, the better question would be are you ready to die?” Her brows arched in amused contempt. “I warned you about the consequences of deceit, Claiborne, and you deceived me. Big time.” Her blue-green eyes shone with malice.

  I paid no mind to her blustering as I’d heard the threat before. Since entering the Pearly Gates, Scarlett had proved to be all bark and no bite. No, I was safe from her retribution for the moment. Satisfied with the status quo, I switched my attention back to Mama and the others.

  “I ain’t goin’ to the ER,” she was saying. “I’m fine. Just a slight burn.”

  Daddy swelled up like a bloated toad. “You’re a-goin’, Annie Mae. My word is law in this house.”

  The old, familiar stubbornness radiated from Mama’s eyes. “Who says, asshole? Last time I checked my name was on the deed.”

  “A minor oversight, mind you,” Daddy puffed. “And one I intend to correct tomorrow morning, but first you’re goin’ to have that burn looked at.”

  “Daddy’s right,” Deena broke in. “It could be serious. Let’s have it checked out for peace of mind.”

  “Nope,” was her quick reply.

  Billie Jo touched her stomach. “Do it for the baby.”

  Mama peered at her from under her bushy brows and heaved a heavy sigh of resignation. “Okay. For the baby.”

  Seeing her beaten expression, I had a sudden inspiration. “Why don’t I call Preston and see if he'll swing by on his way in from Savannah?”

  With everyone in agreement, I waited until they moved into the den off the kitchen before phoning Preston and giving him a shortened version of the incident. Since he’d just arrived back in town, and wasn't far from the farm, he agreed to come on by.

  “He’s on his way,” I said after joining them in the den. “He’ll examine the burn and treat it here if it's not serious. However, there’s a chance he’ll want to take Mama to the hospital for further treatment. I had to promise him that you’d cooperate, Mama.”

  Soft footsteps echoed from the foyer, and I looked up to see Roddy and Jimbo White enter the room. Daddy pushed himself up from his recliner and grasp the peanut farmer’s hand in a welcoming handshake.

  “What brings you out on Sunday, Jimbo?” Daddy ran a hand over his chin, looking weary.

  The farmer doffed his hat and gave a silent nod at Mama. “I was wonderin’ if you and the Missus had given any thought to my offer to buy the farm,” he answered in a deep bass voice. His weathered, sun-beaten narrow face was sharp and confident, and his blue eyes were fixed in a permanent squint from long hours working outdoors. He wore baggy overalls over a shirt of wrinkled cotton and well-worn boots.

  The usual getup for a hard-working peanut farmer in South Georgia.

  “We’re not sellin’,” Mama said from her rocking chair. “Not now, not ever.” She winced in pain as she thrust a finger at Jimbo. “The matter is closed.”

  “Are you lookin’ to raise the price?” The farmer’s bass voice rose a fraction. “If that’s the case, then you’re wastin’ your time.” He took a step closer to Mama’s chair. “I gave you my best offer, and you won’t get one penny more from me.”

  “Not to me you didn’t,” she huffed. “Selling the farm is Harland’s idea. The only way I’ll leave this house is laid out in a coffin.”

  “Mama! Don’t say such upsetting things,” Deena’s voice rose in dismay.

  “Let me handle this,” Daddy ordered. “Jolene, you and your sisters help your momma to bed. Dr. Neally will be here shortly.”

  From the thunderous expression on Mama’s face I knew the mountain was fixin’ to blow her top, so I shot up from the couch and motioned for my sisters to follow suit. It wouldn’t do any good for Mama to become more riled, and I meant to keep Mama from further harm. Even from herself.

  I’d barely reached her side when, from my peripheral vision, I glimpsed Scarlett waltz through the wall and was now only inches from my face.

  “I believe I’ll wait for you at Madame Mia’s.” She peered at me over her wire-framed glasses. “I’m in a playful mood after escaping the evil clutches of the Hell Hound, and I hear the Madame is conducting a séance with a lively group from the senior center.” She clapped her hands together. “I love old people. They don’t scare easily, and I need the practice for next Halloween.”

  With so many pairs of eyes glued on me, I could only give her an almost imperceptible shake of my head and watch her vanish back through the wall. I had given her a quick rundown of my earlier conversation with the Madame on our drive out to the farm.

  Mama didn’t want to go to bed, and I began to feel the exhaustion and hunger creeping up my body and released a tired sigh. “Well then, perhaps I’ll go into the kitchen and rustle up some sandwiches for everyone. Deena and Billie Jo can referee this fight.”

  “There’s not goin’ to be any fight,” Daddy countered, then turned to face Jimbo. “When we approached you about buying the farm, we were unaware of Billie Jo’s pregnancy. With the expected arrival of a new grandbaby, our position has changed. I’m sorry, Jimbo, but the farm is no longer for sale. I hope we can continue with our present arrangement.”

  Jimbo White slapped his battered hat down on his straw-colored waves. “We’ll see about that, Mr. Tucker. I’m not sure I want to continue my association with you folks. I’ve leased your land for years now, and we’ve gotten along fine until now. I rustled up all my financial resources to buy those fields, and now you’re backin’ out. I need this land and house to grow my business and family. Can’t say for sure what I’m goin’ to do, but there will be repercussions, Mr. Tucker. You can bet your life on that. You’ll be hearin’ from me soon.”

  With those parting words, the man left, leaving a vacuum of silence in his wake. Ryder, from his position on the couch, frowned, shaking his head. “I’m afraid he’s going to try and break his leasing contract with you. If he succeeds, that could mean a significant financial loss, Mr. Tucker. It may take some time to find another farmer willing to lease your fields. Do you have enough put away in case he follows through with his threat?”

  Daddy wrung his hands. “The answer to your question is no, Ryder. Our rainy day fund is experiencing a drought. We depend on those fields being leased. That’s the bulk of our income, and it takes just about every penny to keep this place in the black.”

  “Don’t you worry none, Harland,” Mama piped up. “You’ve got to have faith that God will carry us through.”

  “Faith won’t pay the bills, Annie Mae.” Daddy’s voice sounded tired. He flashed me a grim smile, and my heart sank because I had no answers to give him.

  Outside I heard a car pull up, signaling Preston’s arrival. Glad to get away from the strained atmosphere, I bolted for the back kitchen door. Needing a breath of fresh air, I swung out of the house and ran over to Preston’s white Lexus SUV just as he was climbing out the driver’s side. Without thought, I clasped him to me in a sudden bear hug, needing his dependable arms around me. Suddenly, Bradford’s parting words echoed in my mind bringing sudden tears.

  God, I needed a hero and Preston had
answered the call.

  Tilting my head back, I peered into his compassionate face and felt my twinkie pie stir with interest for the first time in days. “Are you free later tonight?” I inquired with a husky voice.

  He grinned. “If everything goes well with your mother, and I have no emergencies, I can swing by around ten. What do you have in mind?”

  For an answer, I placed his hand over my left breast. “A complete checkup, doctor. Bring your stethoscope. My heart is racing like a new convertible.”

  Our lips met. My twinkie pie zinged, and all thoughts of ghosts, demons, and Pearly Gates faded away in anticipation of a much-needed workout with a man of great stamina and a slow hand. Tonight, I would engage in some good, old-fashioned sex with a younger man who sailed under the false hope that someday he would put a ring on my finger. For now, I’d allow him some leeway because I needed the stress relief, but sooner or later I’d have to cut him loose so he could find a more willing matrimonial partner.

  Reluctantly we broke apart, and Preston grabbed his medical bag out of the back seat. “Your mother seems to be living under a dark cloud these days, Jolene,” he remarked as he slammed the door shut. “That or she’s the luckiest woman on the planet.”

  I chewed on that a minute as we made our way to the back kitchen door. I paused with my hand on the doorknob. “It’s a little of both, Preston. She’s been lucky at dodging the black cloud, but I’m afraid one of these days her luck is going to run out.”

  “I was only kidding, Jolene.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not.” I flashed a grim smile, then pushed open the door and led Preston into the den where Mama and the others waited. He examined the wound, and thankfully, the burn wasn’t severe, but for precaution purposes, Preston administered first aid and bandaged the wound.

  “Call my office in the morning for a follow-up appointment, Mrs. Tucker,” he advised as he gathered his supplies and returned them to his medical bag. “I can call in a prescription for pain medication if you think you’ll need it, but over the counter pain meds should be sufficient at this time.”